GRIEF

The usual messengers arrived to do their worst, kicked your name back and forth as if they knew you, speaking words that were better spoken by you years before. The first told me that you might be home if I stopped by, reading or sleeping; it was only my timing that was off. The next one put on a faceless mask, said I should have been there, should have called, if only to talk of the weather or old times. One cursed you and raged, as I did, against your selfishness, your carelessness with all of those pills. Another fed me only sorrow, bitter and familiar, like the whiskey of my youth. Yet another pressed the old apartment keys into my palm, hard; gave me a stack of books you didn't have time to read. They came and they went, never when they were expected, talked and argued over each other for weeks, then months. None of them listened. None of them told me the name of the one they had kept hidden, that last visitor called Gratitude, which had been there all along, waiting only for me to turn, to raise my hand and testify. To stand.

LEARNING TO SWEAR

I didn't speak much as a child, though 

I learned early, as we all did, which words 

to avoid saying, even if muttered under our breath,

stepping carefully around them,

like broken glass littering the sidewalk,

referring to them, if compelled to,

only by their first letter or two. They were words,

mostly of bodily  function, that came with

punishment, words that got your mouth 

washed out with soap.

Later, I tried them out on my tongue,

alone in my room, foreign words,

oddly shaped and sharp, the sound of them

vaguely startling, even when unattached

to any particular meaning or context.

Last week, my daughter pleaded 

to learn a swear word in Finnish, which

I foolishly gave in to, a small stone

that will eventually be thrown 

back at me.

But since she was born, I have been trying

to unlearn the lazy and the vulgar,

leaving the slings and arrows 

to Shakespeare,

and those more clever with speech than me.

I want more praise, more praise,

less cursing of the gods we continually implore.

I want her to know -- and to know 

myself -- that I revere

this most ordinary of lives,

with its drudgery and inconsistencies, its shifting language 

which can never describe it all,

its welcoming silence at beginning and end.

ROAD

 

There's no marker along that stretch of Highway 8, no stone or plaque bearing your name, the dates you were here, then gone; no makeshift memorial of Mylar balloons and requisite roses wrapped in cellophane. There is only road, indecipherable from any other, its meandering cracks patched with fresh tar, lines offering no discernable word or message. The heel of your boot has been swept away, your handprints -- like wings stopped in mid flight -- have been washed from the dusty hood, the dark blood you spilled allowed to seep slowly into the asphalt, following its own course, like the thinnest of roots, hidden from view. You, of course, have long since passed from this world of ordinary fact -- of arguments and disappointment, of endless coming and going. So, maybe this absence is just as well, along this anonymous road slicing through pine and scrub grass, through small towns without stop lights. No one wants to stop here, or even slow down. They all have somewhere else to be, someone waiting, patiently or otherwise, someone wondering where they are.

THIS FUMBLING

 

Nonetheless, morning comes,

as it always does.

I wake before dawn,

feed the cat, pour my coffee

into a Ball jar, unaware

that you have left this world

sometime in the night.

The radiator makes a creaking

sound; the phone is silent.

This fumbling, this calm unknowing

is in itself a small corner

of paradise I will recognize

only long after the fact,

when its comfort has moved

elsewhere, and I cannot

hope to enter again.

PARIS, 1911

 

We never made it to Paris, though the framed Steiglitz print of a rain-swept boulevard in that city -- everything gone gray, everything blowing to one side -- which hung for so long in our old apartment, is here with me now. The same thin tree, half-bare and bent beneath the weight of the sky, still reaches upward in defiance; the same street sweeper, shrouded from shoulders to ankles, stoops as though retrieving something dropped to the reflecting water below. The same shadowy figures and buggies in the distance continue to move slowly past. I can almost smell the rain through this curtain of years, can almost hear the whoosh and drumming of it, as if it were approaching us here today. For the moment, this scene rests in the narrow hallway which leads to the bedroom, awaiting the right wall, the right light. You, of course, are not here to ask; and on any wall, in any room, it seems only to get further and further away.

THE LAST K-MART

 

The last K-Mart department store in the country

is closing today, and I am reminded suddenly

of those long-ago Saturday afternoons, following

my brother along the forbidden shortcut

through the tall grass and weeds which ran

alongside the junkyard, fresh quarters in hand

for finishing our weekend chores, to be quickly spent

on some small novelty, or if we had pooled

our money, a new hamster to replace the one we

had just buried, our first undeniable shock

at the fleetingness of this world and all it holds.

I am reminded, too, of my brother's name

for the store: Came-Apart, which never failed

to make us laugh, remember back-to-school shopping

with our tired mother, the generic Trax sneakers

and stiff, creased denim of Husky jeans, which

became the tell-tale wardrobe of welfare kids and

project brats -- which is to say, many of us.

I remember blue light specials in the cafeteria,

and our family TV and sofa on layaway.

I wonder what will become of the gumball stands,

the rusted merry-go-round and plastic pony

outside the entrance that you could sit atop for a nickel,

dreaming of faraway prairies and open sky.

No doubt they will be hauled away for the indignity

of the landfill, or to some industrial warehouse,

while my brother sleeps the same silent sleep

that he has mastered for more than twenty years,

not far from here, not far from anywhere.

When last I checked, that shortcut was still there.

CHARLOTTE

 

Charlotte was well into her ninth decade,

with no plans for retirement, making,

slicing, and packing sandwiches

on the assembly line with the rest of us

poor souls -- perpetually bored teenagers,

dropouts, and functioning addicts trying to survive.

Her face was a wonder of lines intersecting

with lines, of worry and laughter,

one long and detailed story leading

imperceptibly into another; her skin, thin

as parchment, polished and shining

beneath the gray industrial light,

especially when she turned to smile.

Her beloved husband Frank had long since left

this life, while their children, and their children, had

grown and moved away, one to the east

and one far out west, remembering, most years,

to call at Christmas and her birthday.

"What would I do sitting at home alone?,"

she would ask to no one in particular,

answering herself with an exaggerated shrug.

Decades earlier, she had worked

at the ammunition plant not far from here,

alongside my aunt Anna Mae, counting

and packing machine gun shells for the war

six days a week, her hands perpetually

smelling of metal and oil for years.

This work was easier, much easier by far.

"Here I can eat what I make," she once quipped,

"and no one gets hurt, or killed -- just fed."